You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
