If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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