hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
