she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
