FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
