barbara walters just said penis...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
