I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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