If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
