I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
