I met the friendliest cop last night
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
