Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
