i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
