Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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