here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
