Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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