I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
