You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
