she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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