haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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