two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
