I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
