too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
