just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize