I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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