maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
