wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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