Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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