i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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