So drunk, too bad you don't want this
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Randomize
