I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize