So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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