wakey wakey hands off snakey
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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