So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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