does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
