I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize