he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize