I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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