i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
