Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
