i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The feeling are messing with the penis
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
