Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
