I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
