I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
