Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
