I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
