I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
