So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
