the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
