so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize