dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
