My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
