I CAN MOONWALK!
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
