Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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