mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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