i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
