I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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