i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
