I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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