I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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