i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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