I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
