In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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