Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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