I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
