The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
