that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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